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Thursday, January 31, 2013

Questions Answered

Now that my brain has had some time to calm the eff down I can write again. I tend to get a little frazzled when I have back to back projects to work on. I space things out so I'm not cramming all the work into one day, ends up taking me about 4 days. But still once I'm done I just don't feel like writing much anymore. Especially after knocking out two 10+ page projects. Yeeaahhh my brain needs time to chillax.

So I started my home project of going through the stuff in this house. I need to figure out what I'm keeping and packing, what needs to be shredded, and what can go straight in the trash. My mom held on to a lot of paperwork so I hope my shredder is up to the task of grinding it all into confetti. I spent about two hours yesterday before my back said it had enough. I did manage to make a dent in Phase 1 so I'm proud of myself.

I found some old awards of mine, awards my mom got, old photos and magazines. My mom had gotten some award or a nomination from the Handyman Association. It was a cute little thing and it made me feel proud. I remember the random DIY projects she would do around the house, like the dog house that amazingly is still standing after 15+ yrs. I also found some things I wasn't prepared for.

There was this big storage bin filled with stuff and that's where it all started. As I was digging through it and tossing out old CDs that were in bad shape, I came across some things that answered questions I'd had about when my mom was sick. The year my mom got sick I wasn't around much. I was here maybe a few days a week but I had just started dating this guy and was all about spending time with him. Said guy turned into a major douche and boy did I learn some lessons from that failure of a relationship.

I found medication slips from meds my mom was on at the time. You know those papers the pharmacy attaches that tells you the name, side effects and all that. There was a notepad she used to track her symptoms. Now I know that she started having problems in Jan 2003 and they progressively got worse over the course of 6 months before she had further testing done. There was a letter she tried to write to Oprah. My mom LOVED Oprah. When she wrote that letter she had just found out that her prognosis was worse than they thought. In the letter she talks about how the doctors thought they had caught early before the cancer had spread anywhere else. She never finished the letter so I'll never know why she was writing Oprah. There was a journal she wrote in from 1998-2000 during my "rough years." It was sad but comforting to see how she dealt with that time. She was concerned about me and it wasn't until mid 1998 that I was diagnosed with suicidal depression. We went through a lot of therapy before things got better between us.

I felt guilty for a long time and sometimes I still do because I feel like I wasn't around enough then. I was too busy with my own stuff. I know in my heart that she was just giving me my own space to live my life. I think I'm coming to better terms with not being in the loop as far as knowing she had cancer. It was hard enough for her to deal with the fact that she was going through it in the first place. Then to get the news that it was too late to do anything. She did what she always did, she put me first. She didn't want me to carry the burden of knowing what was going on. She wanted to protect me from the pain. I was angry for a long time, but I'm not anymore. It was hard enough for her to know she was going to die. How do you find the strength to tell your baby girl that? She knew I couldn't deal with that. In the end she showed why she's always been my hero. Unconditional love knows no bounds.

2 comments:

  1. Wow! That was deep. You mom sounds like she was a strong woman. I'm glad that you are able to come to terms with her death.
    I was wondering if school had you hostage! LOL! Glad that things are going well.
    http://thesexysinglemommy.net

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    1. My science course and abnormal psych are a lot more involved than I thought. I can't wait until I get these last two projects done and then I'm free for a couple weeks! She had a couple stories in her journal about her childhood. I knew she had it rough but reading those stories really showed me what it was like for her. I've always thought she was tough for getting through the Civil Rights Movement and growing up in Houston and raising me how she did. Her struggles made her the strongest woman I've ever known.

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