Pinterest Verification

Monday, January 7, 2013

A Work In Progress

So I had an interesting week. You might have noticed I've been MIA for the past few days. Partly because I had two projects to do for school and wanted to concentrate on putting out an A quality paper. The other reason was that I just didn't feel up to being on here. Had nothing to do with any of you! I just had a rough week mentally. People can always tell when something's eating away at me because I get really quiet. Like one word answers, clipped sentences that mean I don't want to talk.

At first I thought it was stress from feeling like I was behind in my work. What happened was I completely forgot I had two papers due and had only worked on one. Had all my research notes ready and just needed to write the paper. Then I get an email from my other professor reminding us what we needed to complete this week. And BOOM I now have another paper to work on. So I was a bit pissy because normally I'm pretty on top of these things. Because of the lovely week off we had for winter break I didn't transfer all of my assignments onto the To-Do List app on my phone yet. I will be doing that as soon as I'm done this post.

Anyways, I assumed my mood was because of that bit of added stress and the fact that I'm supposed to get another round of shots in my back. So I went in to see my therapist today and there was a breakthrough. If I haven't mentioned this yet I'm very glad I starting going to therapy cause clearly I need it! We talked about how my holidays were and I told her about my mood change the week after Christmas. I told her how I thought my mood issues were from the stress until she brought up some very good points.

When mom was alive the holidays were a big deal. Decorations were put up, preparations were made, holiday music was playing. You could feel the holiday spirit. We'd get up early and open presents with Christmas music playing in the background. Then we'd spend the rest of the day watching Christmas movies and eating. The past couple years the boyfriend has done a great job trying to give me the Christmas I don't get anymore. We decorate the tree and put decorations around the living room. But when Christmas Day rolls around it just feels like another day. I do like the low-key Christmas, but somewhere inside of me there was guilt.  I know how I'm supposed to feel and how things used to be on Christmas. But I felt guilty because it wasn't that way anymore. I felt guilty for enjoying this low-key Christmas and not continuing the tradition of making a big deal out of the holiday.

Just another reminder that the grieving process is a long process for some people. I need to remind myself that it's okay to keep some of the things mom did and blend them with things I like. I don't have to always do everything she did. That was her thing and now I have to find my own thing. It doesn't mean I'll forget about her, or she won't be important to me anymore. It just means I'm making the steps to move forward and redefine my life.


  1. Hey Dee,

    I barely know about you right now as this is my first visit here :) Anyway I feel like the BIG Christmas is hidden inside you after reading this post. A bit of collaboration would make it GREAT. Wouldn't you think dear? :)

    I know we can't take things easy always under pressure with schedules but I think you can do it and therapy will help you on it too :)

    I'm taking some time to hangout with like-minded friends and they always inspiring me :) Will see, you can do it too.

    Well, hope you are doing great and let's make this year even better than ever before :)


    1. I'm starting to think we're all works in progress. But I am glad I had the chance to learn something about myself and put some things into perspective to help me move forward.


You don't need to be a blogger to show me some love....