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Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Human Pincushion

I talked briefly about the issues I'm having with my back. Long story short, car accident messed up my lower back and now I'm in pain all the time and I get snappy real easily. Been in treatment for 10 months now and nothing seems to work. It is so frustrating, irritating, annoying and debilitating. You get your hopes up thinking "this time it's gonna work." And then after you take the necessary steps and the process doesn't work, frustration sets in. It's like getting slapped in the face.

So I got to a point where I go into each new process with no expectations. Better not to get my hopes up and have them crushed anymore. It's a very tiring thing. You go through the motions and when nothing works you start back at zero again. Mentally and physically exhausting. Mentally this doesn't help my anxiety any, which is why I started seeing a psychiatrist. I'm irritable and feel like a ball of nerves 24/7. Physically I feel like I should be kept in a bubble. Imagine wanting to cuddle with the one you love and not being able to. I can't sit in one position for too long because I get uncomfortable. So it's nearly impossible to snuggle because I just can't get comfortable. I barely like being touched because I'm so agitated all the time.

I told the boyfriend I feel like a science experiment. Always poking, prodding and testing new theories on their little lab rat. Today was a new adventure in the scientific method. Had something called facet injections. Which is a step above the trigger point injections I had months ago. Doctor uses a fluoroscope to guide them into the right spot because these injections go in deeper. I will say they were highly irritating. Felt a lot of pressure as he was injecting me and then some soreness afterward. But the relief I had was extremely temporary and once again I got a little blue. Now like I said I went in with low expectations, but there's always that little part of me that still hopes. I can't not have hope that something will work, I just don't go in there feeling like Little Mary Sunshine. Another round next month, and if those don't work then it's on to the next thing. I just want this to be over with!!!! Sick and tired of feeling this way. But I keep reminding myself that no matter how bad this is, there are people who wish this was the worst of their problems. So I don't get too down for simple reasons: it could always be worse and at least I woke up today and can reasonably function. So many people don't have those options and I'm lucky that I do.

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